How to Tell When You Have a Serious Problem
Something strange happened to me this morning. Driving around listening to the radio, not once, but twice within a couple of hours, I found myself saying, "Wow, this song is awesome…Who sings this?…I should check this out…Wait, wait, I've heard this before…Oh yeah, I already have this album…"* Now this means one of two things. Either:
A) I'm an idiot. I try to avoid coming to this conclusion whenever possible, so I prefer…
2) My music "habit"** is out of control.
Let me preface this by saying that I am a self-acknowledged "consumer" as my friend Joel will gladly tell you. Hi, my name is Jim and I like to buy shit. Among the things I am most wont to consume is music. I am overly proud of my cd collection (I broke the 400 mark a couple weeks ago. Some of you may be impressed, some of you may yawn, whatever.) This in and of itself isn't so much the problem, but when you claim to be as into music as I do it really shouldn't take two minutes of listening to a song on the radio to realize that not only do you know it, but that it's a part of your permanent collection.
This wasn't always the case. I used to buy a cd, listen to it until anyone within earshot wanted to vomit/cram the cd in question up my ass and around the corner…sideways (ouch!). By the end of a week, I'd have a pretty good handle on it. Needless to say, I'd be able to recognize it instantly on the radio and "sing" along.
A couple of years ago two things happened that changed all that. I A) started having a consistent income and B) joined BMG (I'll give that a legitimate endorsement some other time, it's well worth its own post). This meant that I was buying cds in bulk, two, three, four or more at a time. This meant that I wasn't able to focus the attention on one cd solid and they would end up on the shelf before I got a chance to intimately acquaint myself with them. (It's also a rough way to operate now that I'm sans income. Old habits die hard.) Also contributing to the problem is my love affair with the Shuffle Songs feature on my iPod and obsession with singing along whenever possible, causing me to skip songs I don't know in favor of ones to which I can wail along. At any rate, that's how I end up not recognizing songs I should really be familiar with.
That or I'm an idiot, your choice.
*The songs in question: Chicago off Sufjan Steven's Illinois album, subtitled-brilliantly-as Come on and Feel the Illinoise and Shine off the album with the same name by Trey Anastasio. Both excellent, consider them "JM Endorsed".
**By habit I mean habit as in "coke habit" rather than say a monk's garment or cracking your knuckles.
Post script: On another, vaguely related note, I can't recognize songs off cds I own, but somehow this also happened this morning. I walked in the door and Romancing the Stone was on the tv. I have never seen this movie. I'm not talking, oh, I've never watched it all the way through or, I've only seen bits and pieces or, I saw a couple minutes, but it was lame so I switched. I mean I have never seen this movie. I couldn't tell you a single plot point. Yet somehow, within ten seconds I was able to identify it. I think my brain needs a defrag or something.
JM Endorses: Food Network
Two posts in one category in one day. It’s a crazy world out there, friends. Incidentally, in the bizarro world of wordpress, it’s apparently already tomorrow. What the crap time zone are they based in? Where was I? Ah yes, the Food Network.
Now I get about four hundred channels through the wonderful people at Directv. I use these to watch ESPN, the music channels, network tv, Comedy Central and, of course, Food Network. (Least watched channels: Oxygen, the Lifetime Suite [if you weren't aware, there are no less than three Lifetime channels now] and Court TV).
Food Network is one of my favorites. I love Emeril (not like that, perv). I love Alton Brown (also, not like that). I love Giada DeLaurentis (very much like that, she’s one of the hottest things going!). It’s quality programming all around, even if they do provide continuing employment to Mark “How Did I Not Make The List) Summers and Al “Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Did Have My Stomach Stapled” Roker.
At any rate, what prompted tonight’s outpouring of appreciation in particular was as follows… I was preparing another nutritious and delicious meal (ironically enough, not a recipe from the Food Network) which called for fresh avocado. Now I’m a big fan of the avocado. However, my primary experience is in the form of guacamole…prepared by someone else. I’ve never actually been confronted with a raw avocado live and in person. If you’ve never tried it, the avocado can be a tricky beast to prepare. It involves a knife, pitting and spooning. However, after watching countless demonstrations on good old channel 231, I confidentally sliced around the pit, twisted off one half, smacked the pit with my knife, pulled it out and proceeded to spoon the delicious avocado meat out of the skin in one neat piece. Obviously, I was quite proud of myself. But I never could have done it without my good friends at the Food Network, thanks guys!
JM Endorses: Hendrick’s Gin
Let me begin by noting that this category (JM Endorses) is a complete, unabashed ripoff of the GQ Endorses page from GQ Magazine (that probably goes without saying*). It’s just a spot for me to pitch some product, idea, sexual position (solo is, well maybe not my favorite, but certainly my most common…fine, only), etc. that I dig and think y’all should check out. That being said…on to today’s product placement.
Hendrick’s Gin is my single favorite liquid. I know what a lot of you are saying: “Gin is gross.” “Gin smells/tastes like Pine Sol.” “Gin causes minor level brain damage.” “Gin is for old men.” Granted, some of those may be true, but hey, have you ever actually tried Pine Sol? That’s what I thought. Anyway, a strong G+T is my personal preference when imbibing, although Andy’s favorite, dirty martini** on the rocks (philistine) extra olives, is a good one as well. Either way, I’m always trying new gins.
With your traditional gins, there is a certain amount of pineyness to them (a result of a primary ingredient being juniper berries). Some are smoother than others. The “standard” gin, Tanqueray, I actually find to be one of my least favorites (try Bombay Sapphire instead). Hendrick’s, however, has its own completely unique taste. Where other gins have that distinctive juniper taste and a muted crispness to them, Hendrick’s is smooth and remarkably refreshing. The primary culprit behind the flavor explosion? Cucumber. It sounded bizarre as I read the little tag that accompanied the cool, apothecary style bottle, but it’s awesome. I’ve had gins infused with pear, citrus or other flavors, but the cucumber taste is one of a kind. A Hendrick’s and tonic is, for my money, the best warm weather drink out there. Check it out, you’ll dig it, even if you don’t drink gin.
To try and offset some of the commercialesque quality, here are my caveats regarding Hendrick’s. 1) It’s hard to find. I promise it’s not at your bar, or Jewel, or your local liquor store (unless you have a cool liquor store, of course). You need to find a large liquor store that makes a point of stocking variety and specialty drinks. I go to either Lundeen’s or Woodman’s. B) It’s expensive. No alcohol is cheap (Dark Eyes, Fleischmann’s and anything in a plastic bottle excluded), and it’s not like some goofy $50 bottle of tequila or whatnot, but it’s definitely top shelf priced. Be that as it may, it’s certainly worth the extra effort and cash.
*Have you noticed how whenever someone says that something “goes without saying” it never does? This may be the single most purposeless piece of rhetoric in the American English vernacular.
**Few things annoy me more than ordering a martini and being served a vodka martini. I’m sorry, do I look like a sissy bitch? Perhaps it’s better you don’t answer that.
‘Roid Rage
There’s a lot of things about the whole steroid scandal in baseball that bother me. For one it cheapens the joy that was the summer of 1998. I loved watching Sammy and McGwire chase the HR record together. It was especially entertaining given that I loved Sosa and hated McGwire; it laid everything out in a nice good guy/bad guy format. Sure the villian prevailed in the end, but I’ll never forget that Sammy held the record over portions of that season. After that year, Big Mac started trailing off, Sammy had a couple more dominant seasons and then took a fastball of the dome piece, accidentally (I’ll believe the BP bat mixup until the day I die) used a cork bat in a game, left Chicago in disgrace and now seems to be retired.
In the meantime, Barry Bonds suddenly became the greatest hitter of all time. Granted, Bonds was a great player previously, even won a couple of mvp awards, but following that summer of ‘98 his stats are just freakish (not to mention his sudden bodily transformation, any coincidence that Bruce Banner has the same initials? I think not). I’m not talking like, “oh look, Barry’s hitting more HRs this year”. I’m talking inhumanly absurd, averaging a HR every 8 ABs is ridiculous. If he wasn’t setting IBB records at the same time, it’s completely reasonable to believe Bonds would have hit 80 or 90 HR at some point in the last six years. Then we had Juiced and the congressional hearings.
Watching the congressional steroid hearings was strange. There was McGwire practically in tears as he pled the fifth (making him legally immune, but essentially admitting his guilt); there was Sammy speaking english as poorly as he had since he got off the boat; there was Palmeiro wagging his finger while lying through his teeth; there was Canseco coming off as the most straight-forward person involved; finally, there was the conspicious absence of Barry Bonds. They left me feeling stupid for wanting to believe Sosa, vindicated for vilifying McGwire, eventually sick for supporting Palmeiro and ultimately confused.
At this point, McGwire, Sosa and Palmeiro are out of the game. This is really probably for the best. Despite whatever transgressions they may have made in the past, at this point they all seem content to fade into oblivion. I think everyone assumes the worse, but nothing’s been proven definitively.
Bonds, on the other hand, has BALCO, false grand jury testimony and this new book Game of Shadows (a compelling excerpt of which recently appeared in SI). With loads of documentation, research and witness testimony, this book lays out in painful detail Bonds’s abuse of every performance enhancer this side of Viagra (Raffy’s still the winner here). The poster boy of the steroids era has his entire “secret” brought into the light. Another blow for truth and justice against the culture of the cheater right? Well, maybe. But probably not.
This is what bothers me the most about the entire steroids issue and Bonds in particular. In all probability, NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS. Due to baseball’s pathetic drug policies previous to last years restrictions, Bonds will probably skate on a technicality. Bud “The Spineless Wonder” Selig still hasn’t committed to an official investigation into the book’s allegations. If he does, reportedly the only things that would result in Bonds’s suspension are federal indictments for tax evasion or perjury. Way to protect the sanctity of the game there, Bud. In other news, Pete Rose still banned.
Even worse, to my eyes, Bonds is still out there swinging away. His comment on the book? Something to the effect of “No Comment”. He refuses to address it. Instead he seems intent on putting on a song and dance show for the documentary crew following him around this year. As if one year of “creepily goofy” Barry (see the Paula Abdul getup) will somehow erase everyone’s memory of years and years of “sullen asshole” Barry. It’s like the slimy guy in the office that all of the sudden tries to be your best friend when he realizes you know that he got a hummer from the boss’s wife at the last office party. Meanwhile, he continues his assault on baseball’s “most sacred record”, chasing immortals Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron. Now Babe may have abused some substances, but I guarantee you that hot dogs, booze and ho-juice didn’t help him hit homers.
If Bonds had any – any – respect for the game of baseball, he’d retire. Now. No questions asked, no statements necessary. I don’t even want an apology. I just want him to go away. If Bonds breaks these records, he won’t be recognized as the greatest power hitter of all time. Instead he’ll be vilified for his transgressions, probably the most despised character in the history of sports. If he quits now, at #3, I think he has a chance to ultimately be remembered as a great hitter, caught up in his own competitiveness and the culture of an era. Sure he’ll be remembered as a jerk too, but people still talk about Ty Cobb as a great ballplayer.
O.J. was found innocent too, but you don’t see him out much anymore do you? So, Barry, follow his lead and please, do us all (and yourself) a favor and disappear.
Just Walk Already
So on the news this evening, there was a bit about Chicago and the “Countdown Clock” pedestrian traffic signals. If you haven’t seen these, they’re the walk/don’t walk signals that give a t-minus countdown to go along with the flashing “don’t walk” signal. Let’s take a second to review the history of pedestrian traffic here. Long ago, people were expected to remember the simple fact that you cross with traffic. Green light go, losers. That simple. Well, people being the bumbling idiots that they are, apparently got themselves run over with alarming frequency by walking smack dab into cross traffic. At least, this what I assume led to the original, walk/don’t walk signals. A white “WALK” for when it was okay to go, a red/orange “DON’T WALK” for when you risked bodily peril by wandering into the intersection. Fair enough, but we need a little warning, leading to the “flashing DON’T WALK”, the yellow light of pedestrian signals (why we didn’t develop a three signal system ala actual traffic signals is beyond me, but hey, efficiency rules). This apparently was effective for all but the growing illiterate population, prompting WALK to be replaced by a little walking dude and DON’T WALK by an admonishing “stop” hand. Now even toddlers, sufferers of adult illiteracy, foreigners and, of course, the lazy stood a fair chance to not wind up road kill while wandering our busy streets. Now, we’ve advanced in our flashy light technology to add the aforementioned “countdown clock” so when the cautioning DON’T WALK YOU MORONS hand flashes, we also see a countdown of exactly how many seconds you have to do that awkward powerwalk/half run/shuffle/trot across the intersection. Ultimately, this wouldn’t bother me all that much, aside from the typical vague sense of depression upon contemplating the bulk of society’s mental capacity, but…
1) These light upgrades cost 10,000 dollars…for each intersection!! Do you have any idea how many park-cop Segways they could buy for that? Well, maybe one and a half, I guess, but still…
B) The real kicker? EVERYONE IGNORES THE SIGNALS!! So the city of Chicago is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to shepherd a bunch of idiots across the street, despite the fact that everyone thinks they know better, and fact is, they do. Most of us can figure out that in the battle of you vs. car, car wins.
Bottom line, if you’re smart enough to cross the street safely, you don’t need the sign and if you’re not smart enough, you’ll probably wander in front of that cab despite any flashing, beeping, counting, tasering coming from the traffic signal. And frankly, wouldn’t we be better off with that 10,000 dollars in the budget and a few less idiots wandering the streets?
Wilkommen!
I’ve always had plenty of opinions / ideas / ridiculous thoughts and recently have had a lot more free time to ponder them. This little weblogging activity ought to allow me to both vent the splenetic pressure that builds up in my brain occasionally and kill some time. To be perfectly honest, I’ve been partially inspired by the weblog of my onetime roommate Andy (see link to the side, soon I’ll learn how to embed links, I promise). Check it out, it’s good stuff. Especially our current collaboration outlining a list of people/places/things that we find to be…well…objectionable. Click over and see for yourself, trust me. Additionally, stop back here from time to time and get my latest thoughts on music, sports, life and more (what’s considered “and more” outside of life, you ask? I guess you’ll just have to stop back to find out).
