My Mind on Shuffle

A couple of notes before we begin.  This category (Oh…Memories…) is a spot for me to place old musings and funny stories from “back in the day”.  The category title is much funnier for the about four of you who may read this that are actually familiar with the obscure song My Kristen by the uber-obscure artist Shwa Losben.*  Alright, on with the show.

This particular story revolves around the events of our Halloween party held at the inimitable Locust Ct Apartment (phone number, I kid you not: 464-FUNK).  This party included such highlights as my Rapper-in-the-style-of-Nelly costume.  As with any proper college party, or you know, random Tuesday night, there was alcohol involved.  I was, needless to say, slightly…inebriated.**

At one point a group of us were gathered around the coffee table “playing” circle of death. (I was mostly annoying people with the fact that I was completely oblivious to such minor details as when it was my turn, what the rules were, etc.)  Sitting next to me on the couch was a member of the opposite sex with whom I was acquainted, but not terribly familiar (name withheld).  At some point during this rousing game, she either laughed or leaned over to pick something up, or possibly didn’t move at all and brought her head somewhere vaguely in the vicinity of my knee.  At this point I let loose with a line that will forever live in infamy, the, as titled, ”pick up line” in question: “If you were trying to go down on me, you missed“.

Now, aside from the fact that this line is ridiculous, completely offensive and uncalled for, it’s amusing in and of itself.  But what truly puts this line over the top is that it worked.  This co-ed in question and myself would end up “hooking up”*** and subsequently dating for a while.  Later, upon discussing when the attraction started, she would refer to the party in question.  Whether this all came about because of or despite my oh-so-suave line is for you to judge.

*Lyrics for My Kristen by Shwa Losben:

My Kristen, I realize that we only went on twelve dates / But I kind of wish you’d acknowledge my existence / but oh, that’s just me / And hey I like to not return phone calls, as much as the next guy / but you hold the record for 1999 / congratu-fuckin-lations, you make me sick / and oh, it’s gotta be because I’m Jewish / My Kristen, do you remember that night at the Pike party / when you were grinding with three random guys / and the you pretended like you didn’t even know me / oh…memories… / and yes yes and I don’t know and yes and never again / is that her, and did she see you, and why didn’t she acknowledge you / and do you feel like a douchebag and when are you gonna call her again? / ….lick my nutsack.

Brilliance, look him up.  My other favorite?  My Cock Is Known As a Nation That Harbors Terrorists.

**This party also produced the following exchange the next morning:

Me: Man, I’m so proud of myself!

Roommate: Why’s that?

Me: I didn’t fall down once last night! (Something I am even more prone to do when intoxicated).

Roommate: Dude, you fell down like ten times.

Me: Oh.

***Of course, in my case, “hooking up” is best defined as “clandestinely kissing while half asleep watching tv at three in the morning”.  Why?  How do you define it….slut.