My Mind on Shuffle

"There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster." ~Dr. Evil*

So as I was watching tonight's encouragingly close Bulls-Heat game**, I was subjected to 48 straight minutes (game time, we're talking over 90 minutes real time) of Bill Walton's commentating.  Granted, there are a lot of bad color guys out there, but Walton is easily and beyond any shadow of the doubt, the worst (since Magic got out the biz, at least).  Here's just a few of the atrocities I witnessed tonight:

1) Discussing Scott Skiles, "He realized that he had to wake up and smell the roses."  Thanks for the double whammy cliche and mixed metaphor.

2) Throughout the first 8 minutes of the third quarter, Walton noted every time the Heat took possession that Shaq hadn't been "fed the ball down low in the half court offense", not only pushing the bounds of repetition for effect, but completely unaware of the fact that this was patently untrue!!  Shaq had gotten the ball at least twice, once taking a shot and shooting free throws upon which Walton commented!  What were the side effects of long term marijuana use?  I can't remember…

3) In the fourth, Walton started getting on the Bulls.  Never mind the fact that the seventh seed was down only two points and playing their asses off.  Props to Steve "Snapper" Jones for noting this.

4) Walton then accused the Bulls of suffering from "shrinkage".  At this point Snapper jumped in to ask exactly what kind of shrinkage Walton would be referring to.***

5) It was noted that Alonzo Mourning can't take anti-inflammatory medication for his calf injury (presumably due to his kidney disease).  Walton's response?  "With that book Game of Shadows and the whole Barry Bonds thing, it's clear that Alonzo, or any athlete wants to stay away from that kind of stuff."  Either we had a steroid alert that I totally missed or Walton is worried someone will test positive for Aleve.

6) I laughed out loud for a good minute on this one.  Dwyane (yes, that's the proper spelling) Wade left the game with a cramp.  Let's kick it over to Walt for his take.  "The lack of V-8 being drank in this league is absolutely appalling."  Snapper, who's completely given up on the whole "unwritten rules" garbage: "So out of all the people in all the professional sports, you're the one who's figured that out [or you're completely full of crap you damn dirty hippy]?"****

Is there even anything else left for me to say?

*Quoting Austin Powers isn't really my style, but it was just too appropriate here.

**Quick note on this game: early in the second quarter, Udonis Haslem objected to a non-call by referee Joe Crawford and to register his disapproval threw his mouthgard at the ref.  Of course he was immediately doubled t-ed and booted from the game (most likely a fine and possible suspension are imminent).  How dumb do you have to be to throw your mouthgard, or anything for that matter??  Especially at a guy who's officiated more playoff basketball games than anyone in NBA history.  Smoove, Udonis.  Very smoove indeed.

***There's an unwritten broadcasting rule that no matter how inane, untrue or ridiculous the comment a guy makes, the rest of the teams ignores it or clarifies it subtly.  At this point in the game, after making a valiant effort to work with Walton, Jones was clearly starting to lose it.

****  Now may be a good time to note that I do not own TIVO so all of these quotes are paraphrased.