Gas Sucks
So a couple days ago I'm cruising through The Sure (Hampshire for the unenlightened) and the local BP is selling standard (crappy level) gas for 2.969/gal. That's insane! Yet somehow, no one (happy, Andrew?) is screaming about this. A couple summers ago, when Chicago area gas prices were spiralling out of control (gasp! 2.50?!?) the Illinois Legislature temporarily repealed the state sales tax on gasoline. Haven't heard much about that lately. But I digress…
So as I drive by the gas station lamenting the obscene prices, I pass some asshole in a 60 foot RV towing…a Hummer (distinguished from the oral sex act by capital H…and the lack of an appropriate orifice). Are you f-ing kidding me?!? This guy has to invest about 500 bucks in gas just to get to freaking Wisconsin (why people continue to go there is beyond me, but it continues to be a popular weekend destination. Baffling.).
Let me proclaim right here and now that no one. NO ONE needs a Hummer. Unless your weekend excursions include storming one of Sadaam's old palaces, the Hummer is an utterly frivolous vehicle. It's not even like people take these things off-road. Have you ever seen a dirty Hummer? Aren't they all sparkling? Because clearly if you can afford a sixty-thousand dollar ego boost and to spend 200 dollars on a gas a week then there's no problem paying a bunch of minimum wage immigrants and drop-outs to wax your vehicle every week. At any rate, there is no need for you to waste ridiculous amounts of gas, take up five parking spaces and be a general annoyance on the roads as you tool around suburbia. Or even worse, downtown. We get it. You wish your dick was bigger. Buy a f-ing Jaguar. It's the ridiculous demand for gas created by these types of vehicles that is at least partially responsible for gas prices being what they are today. Supply and demand. (Incidentally, on the supply side, it's a darn good thing we fought that "war for oil" isn't it. Either the hawks were dumb for expecting oil to shoot out our asses once Sadaam was out or the doves were dumb for really thinking that was a motivation. I of course feel that the psychos on both sides are assholes.)
My solution (outside of drastically heightening the "gas guzzler" tax, giving a larger credit to those buying and producing alternative energy cars and shooting everyone who drives a Hummer)? Teleportation. I hate driving/flying everywhere anyway. So let's go science. I now have a cell phone that doubles as an mp3, camera, video recorder, tv, personal gaming system and, oh right, communications device. Where's the laser guns and teleportation devices? And while you're at it, maybe some viable alternative energy sources that don't make cars all douchey (cause seriously, would you drive a Prius?).
Andy said,
April 24, 2006 at 8:56 pm
What if cars actually RAN on douche!?! Sounds good to me! Or what if there were some way to pedal cars, and then all you would need is human energy to make these magic cars go! And then maybe make them smaller, cause who needs to pull all that weight. And maybe two weels. Except not a bike. Bikes are for weirdos. Weirdos.
And I was going to write about this, but you stole it. Oh well, there’s much more hating in me. I’ll channel it elsewhere.