My Mind on Shuffle

Recently I pimped Chuck Klosterman's book, Sex, Drugs, And Cocoa Puffs.  I mention this again because in the middle of this book, he puts forth a 23 question interview/survey that he purports to ask "everybody [he] meet[s] to decide if [he] can really love them".  I found these questions fascinating and hilarious.  So I'm going to post them here, along with my responses.  Feel free to add your own answers/thoughts/etc.  And just so no one decides they want to sue me, all of the portions in italics are directly reproduced from the above mentioned book, published by Scribner, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020, 2003.  Once again, it's a brilliant book and I suggest you all go out and buy it immediately.  Ok, here we go…

1. Let us assume you met a rudimentary magician.  Let us assume he can do five simple tricks–he can pull a rabbit out of his hat, he can make a coin disappear, he can turn the ace of spades into the Joker card, and two others in a similar vein.  These are his only tricks and he can't learn any more; he can only do these five.  HOWEVER, it turns out he's doing these five tricks with real magic.  It's not an illusion; he can actually conjure the bunny out of the ether and he can move the coin through space.  He's legitimately magical, but extremely limited in scope and influence.  Would this person be more impressive than Albert Einstein?

As far as I can tell, there's several ways to look at this.  Einstein is clearly the winner in terms of scope of accomplishments, societal impact, mental abilities, etc.  However, I find it hard to believe that Einstein is the only person in the grand scope of our world who could come up with Relativity and all that stuff.  Once you really start researching, it turns out most scientific ideas have actually been discovered three or four times by people who aren't paying attention to what the rest of the world is working on.  And the assumption here is that this magician is the only truely magical person.  Ever.  (Let's discount the argument that if he exists, maybe another could as well.  I take this dude as a singularity).  So in terms of how remarkable are this person's particular powers, magic versus being really really smart, I guess I'd have to go with the magic.  At the very least he kicks the crap out of that douche David Blaine.

2. Let us assume a fully grown, completely healthy Clydesdale horse has his hooves shackled to the ground while his head is held in place with thick rope.  He is conscious and standing upright, but completely immobile.  And let us assume that–for some reason–every political prisoner on earth (as cited by Amnesty International) will be released from captivity if you can kick this horse to death in less than twenty minutes.  You are allowed to wear steel-toed boots.  Would you attempt to do this?

In a word (or two): fuck no.  And not cause I'm some bleeding heart hippy either.  Because A) that's gross, I've never even hit a squirrel with my car, now I'm going to kick a horse to death? and B) now that Mandela's free, quick, name me one political prisoner.  Yeah, exactly.  I've recently been more interested in global events, particularly the suffering in Africa, so I researched some aid groups (by which I of course mean that I checked out their websites).  I wasn't too impressed by AI.  I'm sure it's a worthy cause and all, but it just didn't really blow my hair back, ya know?  I think the real purpose of this question is to cause liberals' heads to explode.  Because the kind of people who really care about things like AI are the same sort of people who think being a vegan is cool.

3. Let us assume there are two boxes on a table.  In one box, there is a relatively normal turtle; in the other, Adolf Hitler's skull.  You have to select one of these items for your home.  If you select the turtle, you can't give it away and you have to keep it alive for two years; if either of these parameters are not met, you will be fined $999 by the state.  If you select Hitler's skull, you are required to display it in a semi-prominent location in your living room for the same amount of time, although you will be paid a stipend of $120 per month for doing so.  Display of the skull must be apolitical.  Which option do you select?

Too easy.  Hitler's skull hands down.  Turtles are dirty, and unless this turtle also happens to be between the ages of 13 and 19, genetically abnormal and trained in the martial arts, I'm not interested.  Plus where do I come up with $999 if the little bastard croaks.  And besides, with the apolitical bit, I don't think that "look, this is Hitler's skull" automatically equates to "hey, I hate Jews" for most people.  Right?

4.  Genetic engineers at Johns Hopkins University announce that they have developed a so-called "super gorilla".  Though the animal cannot speak, it has a sign language lexicon of over twelve thousand words, an I.Q. of almost 85, and–most notably–a vague sense of self-awareness.  Oddly, the creature (who weighs seven hundred pounds) becomes fascinated by football.  The gorilla aspires to play the game at its highest level and quickly develops the rudimentary skills of a defensive end.  ESPN analyst Tom Jackson speculates that this gorilla would be "borderline unblockable" and would likely average six sacks a game (although Jackson concedes the beast might be susceptible to counters and misdirection plays).  Meanwhile, the gorilla has made it clear he would never intentionally injure any opponent.  You are commissioner of the NFL: Would you allow this gorilla to sign with the Oakland Raiders?

No.  I fucking hate the Raiders.