My Mind on Shuffle

Chandler: What is it?  Is it my hair?

Rachel: (sarcastically) Yes, you have gay hair.*

Much to my chagrin, I find that my “lifestyle choice” or “sexuality”, if you will, come into question far more often than I believe is necessary.  Before we launch into this discussion let me say that A) No, I am not gay, 2) there really isn’t anything wrong with that, either way.**  That being said, here are just a random sampling of the times that I have personally found my own lifestyle called into question.***

• Dining with a group of friends at a Chinese joint in Valpo, Roommate and I decided to order two dishes and share them.  This devolved into bickering over chow mein vs. lo mein, etc.  Our (very hot) waitress seemed somewhat off-put by our discussion.  To mollify her, we informed her that, “It’s okay, we live together.”  She made the big, “Okay now I get it” smile, and we got on with our dinner.  Only later did we realize how uber-gay we came off in this whole exchange.

• A fellow Valpo student’s wife was taken aback when she saw me holding hands with my girlfriend and asked her husband what the deal was.  He couldn’t understand what her problem was to which she responded, “Isn’t he, you know, gay?  I mean, he always dresses so well.”

• Another Valpo person (again, a vaguely hot girl; why do the hot ones always have to get the wrong idea?) questioned whether or not Andy and I were a couple.

• The creepy, lazy-eyed janitor at my first teaching job approached me after school one day.  “Can I ask you a personal question?” he said.  That was warning bell number one.  What possible personal question could be coming from this guy who I barely knew/interacted with?  Sure enough, he wanted to know if I was, you know, gay.  He was fine with it of course, and I got the vague sense that he was somewhat hitting on me.  Yikes.

• A student at my second teaching job left me a note on my desk to the effect of: “Dear Mr. Medcalf,  Are you gay?  I only ask cause some other kids said you were and I told them you weren’t.  So I was just wondering.  Write me back and let me know.  Your student, XXXXX.”  Only with more spelling errors and painful seventh grade grammar.  That made for a fun little discussion the next day.

I really wish I had a good explanation for this.  I like to take the angle of the aforementioned friend’s wife and write it off to being well dressed.  Clearly that can’t be the only thing though right?  In the grand scheme of things, it’s really not a big deal, although it’s somewhat unsettling to get approached about it this often.  I mean, I do subscribe to Esquire and GQ, but I also get SI and ESPN, and how would these people know that anyway?  I think it’s just become some sort of societal construct.  The fact that I’m polite, well-spoken, fashionable, young and single seems to mean that there’s at least a fifty-fifty shot that I dig dudes.  Maybe I should bathe less or something.****

The moral of the story?  Ladies, despite any “vibes” you may think you’re getting, no, I am not into guys.  I am into you.  Unless you’re skanky.  Or dumb.  Or a whole list of other things.  But at least I’m into your gender.

*You were all ready for a Seinfeld quote from the title now weren’t you?

**I’m not trying to make any sort of political/moral statement here one way or another.  Basically, what (or whom) you do is your business.

***That I know about.

****No I shouldn’t, that’s gross.