Cheers!: America’s Drunkest Cities
This little list comes to us courtesy of Forbes.com (by way of The Sports Guy. What, you thought I actually read Forbes?).
9. Providence, R.I.: Clearly we’re dealing with a rate based measurement here, as I don’t think that Rhode Island would make the list if their entire state was full of alcoholics. I also imagine that an unusually large number of drinks consumed in this city are cosmos, or white russians or the such.*
9. Philadelphia: Seriously? We have a tie? C’mon Philly, you have to wash those cheese steaks down with something, right?
8. Pittsburgh: Our first recurring state. Kudos to you Pennsylvania. Your Quaker founders would be proud. As John Penn said, “Fuck the Puritans!”
7. Cleveland: Apparently, in addition to rocking, Cleveland also mixes in a healthy dose of boozing. Which is probably the only way reproduction is possible.**
6. Chicago: I haven’t been this proud since I learned that Valpo was once rated one of America’s top party schools. Of course that was more depressing than proud, given the current state of affairs. At any rate, I’m glad we made this list. But I think we could do better. So when you go out this week, throw back an extra shot or two. Just to really show Cleveland what’s what. Also, now’s a good time to recognize the fact that New York is not present on this list (hope I didn’t spoil the surprise). That’s right, take it, New York, take it right in your self-righteous, we think we’re so cool, ass (and if you haven’t gotten it from previous entries, in many cases drunkenness = coolness or at least funness, is that so wrong?).***
5. Austin, Texas: Here’s our first city based almost exclusively on it’s student population. I believe UT also topped the party schools list this year. Coincidence? I think not.
4. Boston: Reason #16 why Boston is my personal sister city.
3. Columbus, Ohio: College town #2 on our list. Like Cleveland, but with a better football team.
2. Minneapolis-St. Paul: Because, sweet Jebus, what else are you going to do there?
And finally, topping this year’s list:
1. Milwaukee: It’s the beer capital of America. It’s full of people of German/Polish descent. You can get many quality beer related foods (i.e. various encased meats). There’s a surprisingly quality downtown with no shortage of bars. What’s not to like? Oh. Right. Wisconsin. Well, at least you’re not too far from Chicago.
*Let’s just say that Providence would rate a little higher, were we listing cities based on rainbow bumper stickers or George Michaels enthusiasts.
**Have you been to Ohio? (Particularly Cleveland.)
***Also notably absent: New Orleans. If there’s anywhere with both the opportunity and the excuse…
