CK Survey Pt. V
You know the drill…
14) For reasons that cannot be explained, cats can suddenly read at a twelfth-grade level. They can’t talk and they can’t write, but they can read silently and understand the text. Many cats love this new skill, because they now have something to do all day while they lay around the house; however, a few cats become depressed, because reading forces them to realize the limitations of their existence (not to mention the utter frustration of being unable to express themselves). That being the case, do you think the average cat would enjoy Garfield, or would cats find this cartoon to be an insulting caricature?
This cartoon is pretty cat-centric in that most of the jokes involve those around Garfield. I think the most potentially offensive character is Odie, but then, dogs can’t read, can they?
15) You have a brain tumor. Though there is no discomfort at the moment, this tumor would unquestionably kill you in six months. However, your life can (and will) be saved by an operation; the only downside is that there will be a brutal incision to your frontal lobe. After the surgery, you will be significantly less intelligent. You will have a terrible memory, and you will have little ability to understand complex concepts or difficult ideas. The surgery is in two weeks. How do you spend the next fourteen days?
I’d like to say I’d spend them cramming all the literature and intelligent discourse I could into my remaining time as an intelligent being. However, this would ultimately be wasted after the surgery. That being the case, I’d spend the time hitting up bars with my brain tumor story fishing for pity fucks.
16) Someone builds an optical portal that allows you to see a vision of your own life in the future (it’s essentially a crystal ball that shows a randomly selected image of what your life will be like in twenty years). You can only see into this portal for thirty seconds. When you finally peer into the crystal, you see yourself in a living room, two decades older than you are today. You are watching a Canadian football game, and you are extremely happy. You are wearing a CFL jersey. Your chair is surrounded by books and magazines that promote the Canadian Football League, and there are CFL pennants covering your walls. You are alone in the room, but you are gleefully muttering about historical moments in Canadian football history. It becomes clear that – for some unknown reason – you have become obsessed with Canadian football. And this future is static and absolute; no matter what you do, this future will happen. The optical portal is never wrong. This destiny cannot be changed. The next day, you are flipping through television channels and randomly come across a preseason CFL game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Roughriders. Knowing your inevitable future, do you know watch it?
No. Cause the Roughriders fucking suck.
Update / CD’s You Should Most Definitely Buy Now Or In The Near Future
Currently my “job” is somewhat theoretical. Technically I’m a substitute teacher, however, in the three weeks since I left my last job I have received one call which happened to come on a day which I already had blocked off to attend a funeral.* One might imagine that given such circumstance and large amounts of free time I would have spent a little more time here. I know, I know, you’ve felt so deprived. Oh well, here I am now at least. I’ll even give you a double dose today (so check back later).
Somehow, despite my recent lack of income**, I still find the cash to invest in the expansion of my cd collection (incidentally, any record company execs / recording artists wishing to send me boatloads of free shit, I would gladly accept and post a lovely glowing review right here.***). At any rate, here are a few cds that I’ve bought in the last few months/am planning to buy that you should give a serious listen, if you haven’t already:
Ray LaMontagne, Till The Sun Turns Black: second album, absolutely beautiful, most apt comparison is probably to a modern day Van Morrison. A little more of the bluesy-soul vibe on this disk.
KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope: not really “new”, but I can’t get enough of this cd. I’ve become more and more open to female artists in the last few years. This is easily the best I’ve heard.
John Butler Trio, Sunrise Over Sea: again, by no means new, but has received so little pub. JBT has quickly risen into my current top five. This album is amazing, start to finish. Australian hippy does songs, some about eco-issues, with a really unique folky-funk vibe. Great guitar player as well.
John Mayer, Continuum: hey, this one’s actually new! I think this may be the first legitimately “great” album I’ve heard this year. Finally fulfilling/refining his potential. To label him with the whole “singer-songwriter” thing neglects his instrumental chops.
OK Go, Oh No: fun little album. Have you seen the treadmill video? Did you see them do it live on the MTV awards? Watch VH1 for half an hour and you’ll see it, or go find it on the web. Coolest thing I’ve seen in a video…ever…
G. Love, Lemonade: This has quickly become my favorite G. Love album. If you like him, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, Jason Mraz-or really, music-you need to hear this album. Best summer album by far, and summer’s over tomorrow. Act now!
Iron & Wine, Woman King: more of an E.P., but still… If you happened to hear their cover of Postal Service’s song “Such Great Heights” in the movie Garden State**** you know what this band is about. If you didn’t, well you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Robert Randolph, Colorblind (upcoming): I love Robert Randolph and the Family Band. I hate to keep referring to people’s guitar playing abilities but his pedal steel is like the spirit incarnate. I’m very much looking forward to this long overdue sophomore album.
Damien Rice, 9 (upcoming): I streamed the first single today and it’s pretty righteous. You know the opening song from the movie Closer? The one that is so heartachingly beautiful that it’s the perfect counterpoint to 120 minutes of people being absolutely wretched to each other? That’s Damien Rice. If you’ve ever been sad about anything, you’ll love his music.
I could go on, but those are just a few of the more recent / notable albums I’ve bought / been listening to lately. Now go support some real artists and buy these albums.
* No worries, very extended family member, cancer, blah blah. Sad, but not tragic or anything.
**How do I always manage this? I don’t think I’ve had 12 consecutive months of steady work in my life.
***Unless, of course, it blows.
****Yes, yes, or the M&M commercial.
