Quick Hits Vol. 2: Grrrrrr…
- So this was supposed to be a JM Endorses post devoted to SNL. Then WordPress lost my post, the first time that this has happened to me, despite horror stories I’ve heard from others. It was weak enough that I actually went back to subtitle it “An embarassingly shallow and detail-free critique”. I can’t summon the energy to recreate it. Suffice it to say that I think SNL is getting good again and that you should check it out. Need a reason? How about the line, “Bobby McFerrin raped my grandmother.” I’m praying this becomes a new catch-phrase.
- As long as I’m in bitching mode*, how does the auto-service industry get away with charging $82.00/hr? If I’m paying that much I should be getting a “happy ending” with my service. And thanks, Mr. Grease-Monkey, I’ll pass on that in this instance.
- How much crap would Rex Grossman get if he were named Rex Manning? He demonstratively outplayed Eli last night, but somehow all we heard about were Rexy’s recent struggles. I say f the Mannings.
- What, exactly, is the point of a national holiday on a Saturday?
- Does anyone else have extended conversations with their 25 yr old friends about kitchen appliances and place settings? Is it similarly incongruous that I bought this same friend** a Nintendo (original) game for his birthday?
- My holiday spirit is kicking in a little early this year. I haven’t whipped out the Christmas music yet or anything (I can wait till after Thanksgiving, usually) but I’m definitely ready. However, my Christmas gifting ideas are severly lacking this year and I’ve been supremely unsuccessful in just my everyday shopping lately. I guess it’s a good thing I’m brimming with enthusiasm, huh?
*Despite the fact that some people seem to be directing a little too much of their internet writings to incensed ravings about pretty minor things. You know who you are. And you also know that I love you! ; )
**Roommate if you were wondering, who has made previous appearances on this website.
Reason #6,731 Why The Yankees Suck
***Note: Today’s news is that Torre is sticking around for another year. Of course, that could change again by this afternoon. Either way, I agree with the tone of this piece, whether they boot him today, tomorrow or when his contract runs out in a year.***
Let me preface this by noting that I am a huge Red Sox fan. That being said, not being raised as a Sox fan, I still hold a lot of respect for certain aspects of the Yankees organization. Most notably: their history, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Joe Torre.
The big news this morning was that Joe Torre was being fired in favor of Lou Piniella. I have lots of problems with this.*
Let’s start with the lesser problem first. Granted the Yankees lost in the first round of the playoffs this year. Granted they have a payroll that exceeds the GNP of Africa (as a whole). However, they did spend the vast majority of the season minus two of their best five hitters** (Sheffield and Matsui). Yes, they were back for the playoffs, but really, how much can you expect from guys that missed 85% of the regular season with wrist injuries?*** Despite this, the Yankees were still the first team to clinch a post-season berth****. People love to give Jeter the credit for that when discussing the AL MVP, but seriously how about a little credit for the guy who fills out the lineup card every day and is, you know, in charge of the freaking team. Let’s face it, when those guys went down, a lot of people (myself included) were gleefuly envisioning the Yankees finishing not only out of the race, but a distant third(ish) in their division. Instead they went out and smoked everyone with the likes of Melky Cabrera and Bernie Williams patrolling the outfield on a regular basis.
Here’s the bigger issue I have: Joe Torre is the best manager in baseball and has been for about ten years now. The only other guy I put in the conversation is Bobby Cox.***** No one else has been nearly as successful for nearly as long a stretch. Lots of managers have had great years (Ozzie Guillen last year, as much as I hate to admit it; Joe Girardi this year with the Marlins; etc.). Joe Torre has had the Yankees in World Series contention for as long as I can remember. And don’t try talking to me about talented players / payroll. People tried that with Phil Jackson, too. Talent alone doesn’t win games (just ask Knicks fans).
At any rate, I think it’s a shame for Torre to go out like this. He deserved to leave that team on his own terms.
On the other hand, seeing the manager responsible for giving up on the Devil Rays and perennially underachieving with the Mariners in pinstripes is kind of exciting.
*However, having Piniella out of the discussion of who’s replacing Dusty Baker I love. That definitely wouldn’t have been a good choice. Joe Girardi and Joe Torre are now my choices 1a and 1b for the Cubs.
**This list includes, in no particular order, Jeter, Sheffield, Matsui, Rodriguez and the new and HGH-improved Giambi.
***Correct answer: not much. Although moving Sheff to first may be a revelation along the lines of Nomar’s shift in LA. He’s naturally a good defensive player, but starting to slow down. Plus that means we only have to watch Giambi bat. This could extend the life of the current Yankees lineup for another three years (sorry Andy Phillips). Again, as a Red Sox fan, I don’t know how exciting that is. But it’s clearly good for the Yankees.
****That may very well be a complete lie. I do know it was either them or the Mets.
*****Fuck Tony LaRussa. LaRussa is the most overrated manager of all time. I could write an entire post on that one.
Gas Sucks
So a couple days ago I'm cruising through The Sure (Hampshire for the unenlightened) and the local BP is selling standard (crappy level) gas for 2.969/gal. That's insane! Yet somehow, no one (happy, Andrew?) is screaming about this. A couple summers ago, when Chicago area gas prices were spiralling out of control (gasp! 2.50?!?) the Illinois Legislature temporarily repealed the state sales tax on gasoline. Haven't heard much about that lately. But I digress…
So as I drive by the gas station lamenting the obscene prices, I pass some asshole in a 60 foot RV towing…a Hummer (distinguished from the oral sex act by capital H…and the lack of an appropriate orifice). Are you f-ing kidding me?!? This guy has to invest about 500 bucks in gas just to get to freaking Wisconsin (why people continue to go there is beyond me, but it continues to be a popular weekend destination. Baffling.).
Let me proclaim right here and now that no one. NO ONE needs a Hummer. Unless your weekend excursions include storming one of Sadaam's old palaces, the Hummer is an utterly frivolous vehicle. It's not even like people take these things off-road. Have you ever seen a dirty Hummer? Aren't they all sparkling? Because clearly if you can afford a sixty-thousand dollar ego boost and to spend 200 dollars on a gas a week then there's no problem paying a bunch of minimum wage immigrants and drop-outs to wax your vehicle every week. At any rate, there is no need for you to waste ridiculous amounts of gas, take up five parking spaces and be a general annoyance on the roads as you tool around suburbia. Or even worse, downtown. We get it. You wish your dick was bigger. Buy a f-ing Jaguar. It's the ridiculous demand for gas created by these types of vehicles that is at least partially responsible for gas prices being what they are today. Supply and demand. (Incidentally, on the supply side, it's a darn good thing we fought that "war for oil" isn't it. Either the hawks were dumb for expecting oil to shoot out our asses once Sadaam was out or the doves were dumb for really thinking that was a motivation. I of course feel that the psychos on both sides are assholes.)
My solution (outside of drastically heightening the "gas guzzler" tax, giving a larger credit to those buying and producing alternative energy cars and shooting everyone who drives a Hummer)? Teleportation. I hate driving/flying everywhere anyway. So let's go science. I now have a cell phone that doubles as an mp3, camera, video recorder, tv, personal gaming system and, oh right, communications device. Where's the laser guns and teleportation devices? And while you're at it, maybe some viable alternative energy sources that don't make cars all douchey (cause seriously, would you drive a Prius?).
Bill Walton Is A F-ing Idiot
"There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster." ~Dr. Evil*
So as I was watching tonight's encouragingly close Bulls-Heat game**, I was subjected to 48 straight minutes (game time, we're talking over 90 minutes real time) of Bill Walton's commentating. Granted, there are a lot of bad color guys out there, but Walton is easily and beyond any shadow of the doubt, the worst (since Magic got out the biz, at least). Here's just a few of the atrocities I witnessed tonight:
1) Discussing Scott Skiles, "He realized that he had to wake up and smell the roses." Thanks for the double whammy cliche and mixed metaphor.
2) Throughout the first 8 minutes of the third quarter, Walton noted every time the Heat took possession that Shaq hadn't been "fed the ball down low in the half court offense", not only pushing the bounds of repetition for effect, but completely unaware of the fact that this was patently untrue!! Shaq had gotten the ball at least twice, once taking a shot and shooting free throws upon which Walton commented! What were the side effects of long term marijuana use? I can't remember…
3) In the fourth, Walton started getting on the Bulls. Never mind the fact that the seventh seed was down only two points and playing their asses off. Props to Steve "Snapper" Jones for noting this.
4) Walton then accused the Bulls of suffering from "shrinkage". At this point Snapper jumped in to ask exactly what kind of shrinkage Walton would be referring to.***
5) It was noted that Alonzo Mourning can't take anti-inflammatory medication for his calf injury (presumably due to his kidney disease). Walton's response? "With that book Game of Shadows and the whole Barry Bonds thing, it's clear that Alonzo, or any athlete wants to stay away from that kind of stuff." Either we had a steroid alert that I totally missed or Walton is worried someone will test positive for Aleve.
6) I laughed out loud for a good minute on this one. Dwyane (yes, that's the proper spelling) Wade left the game with a cramp. Let's kick it over to Walt for his take. "The lack of V-8 being drank in this league is absolutely appalling." Snapper, who's completely given up on the whole "unwritten rules" garbage: "So out of all the people in all the professional sports, you're the one who's figured that out [or you're completely full of crap you damn dirty hippy]?"****
Is there even anything else left for me to say?
*Quoting Austin Powers isn't really my style, but it was just too appropriate here.
**Quick note on this game: early in the second quarter, Udonis Haslem objected to a non-call by referee Joe Crawford and to register his disapproval threw his mouthgard at the ref. Of course he was immediately doubled t-ed and booted from the game (most likely a fine and possible suspension are imminent). How dumb do you have to be to throw your mouthgard, or anything for that matter?? Especially at a guy who's officiated more playoff basketball games than anyone in NBA history. Smoove, Udonis. Very smoove indeed.
***There's an unwritten broadcasting rule that no matter how inane, untrue or ridiculous the comment a guy makes, the rest of the teams ignores it or clarifies it subtly. At this point in the game, after making a valiant effort to work with Walton, Jones was clearly starting to lose it.
**** Now may be a good time to note that I do not own TIVO so all of these quotes are paraphrased.
Just Walk Already
So on the news this evening, there was a bit about Chicago and the “Countdown Clock” pedestrian traffic signals. If you haven’t seen these, they’re the walk/don’t walk signals that give a t-minus countdown to go along with the flashing “don’t walk” signal. Let’s take a second to review the history of pedestrian traffic here. Long ago, people were expected to remember the simple fact that you cross with traffic. Green light go, losers. That simple. Well, people being the bumbling idiots that they are, apparently got themselves run over with alarming frequency by walking smack dab into cross traffic. At least, this what I assume led to the original, walk/don’t walk signals. A white “WALK” for when it was okay to go, a red/orange “DON’T WALK” for when you risked bodily peril by wandering into the intersection. Fair enough, but we need a little warning, leading to the “flashing DON’T WALK”, the yellow light of pedestrian signals (why we didn’t develop a three signal system ala actual traffic signals is beyond me, but hey, efficiency rules). This apparently was effective for all but the growing illiterate population, prompting WALK to be replaced by a little walking dude and DON’T WALK by an admonishing “stop” hand. Now even toddlers, sufferers of adult illiteracy, foreigners and, of course, the lazy stood a fair chance to not wind up road kill while wandering our busy streets. Now, we’ve advanced in our flashy light technology to add the aforementioned “countdown clock” so when the cautioning DON’T WALK YOU MORONS hand flashes, we also see a countdown of exactly how many seconds you have to do that awkward powerwalk/half run/shuffle/trot across the intersection. Ultimately, this wouldn’t bother me all that much, aside from the typical vague sense of depression upon contemplating the bulk of society’s mental capacity, but…
1) These light upgrades cost 10,000 dollars…for each intersection!! Do you have any idea how many park-cop Segways they could buy for that? Well, maybe one and a half, I guess, but still…
B) The real kicker? EVERYONE IGNORES THE SIGNALS!! So the city of Chicago is spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to shepherd a bunch of idiots across the street, despite the fact that everyone thinks they know better, and fact is, they do. Most of us can figure out that in the battle of you vs. car, car wins.
Bottom line, if you’re smart enough to cross the street safely, you don’t need the sign and if you’re not smart enough, you’ll probably wander in front of that cab despite any flashing, beeping, counting, tasering coming from the traffic signal. And frankly, wouldn’t we be better off with that 10,000 dollars in the budget and a few less idiots wandering the streets?
