(JM Endorses:)Memoirs, Drinking, Etc…
So I’ve decided to become an alcoholic.*
Let me give you a little background for my thought process here. I read. A lot. Sports, fiction (contemporary and classic), music, humor, philosophy, religion, you name it. One of my favorite genres lately has been the memoir. However, I have no interest in reading about famous people (especially in a memoiric fashion). My favorite memoirs are normal people writing about their fairly normal lives in a witty fashion.**
At any rate, as I was perusing the Biography section of my local Barnes & Noble today*** I noticed that a disproportionate number of these memoirs were about alcoholism (e.g., Dry, Drinking: A Love Story, Smashed, etc.). Now I’ve always wanted to self-aggrandize myself in some fashion, but have been lacking a hook. I haven’t had a miserable childhood, I haven’t had insight-prompting travels and travails about the globe, I’m not even compellingly normal/quirky. However, I do know how to imbibe liquids. Shoot, I even have a series of stories chronicling innocent college excapades that could easily be manipulated into a foreshadowing of my future as a raging drunk.
The primary drawbacks, as I see them (aside from the whole, “drinking excessively is bad for you” thing) are the associated costs. Alcohol is expensive. As are cleaning bills****, tickets and nights spent in jail/days spent in court. That being said, I’m looking for a publisher’s advance in order to fund my slow slide into an alcohol fueled stupor/rage (we’ll see how it all plays out). Trust me, it’ll sell.
With all that out of the way, and since it’s been awhile since I properly endorsed something, let me give you some tips as to my favorite beverages of alcoholic content of late:
Beers (that I don’t have to order over the internet from Colorado at outrageous shipping expense): My standby is Bass – reliable, consistent, excellent. I love Sam Adams and Goose Island seasonal beers. My latest discovery is Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat. It’s very citrusy and refreshing.
Mixed: Brandy and Ginger Ale. Once again I’ve stolen from the inimitable (no matter how hard I may try) Chuck Klosterman. It’s hit or miss to order at the bar. I’ve had them whip it up with not a word of question or had them not stock ginger ale and be out of brandy so you take your chances ordering it out. It’s easy enough to whip up at home though. It sounds strange because a) who drinks brandy? and 2) who drinks ginger ale. Prior to trying this drink, I did neither. All I can say is try it, you’ll like it.
*For all of you who immediately thought some variation of “don’t you mean became?”, bite me.
**Sound vaguely familiar?
***They’re upping their member rebate for the holiday season, by the way. This is a spectacularly consumer-friendly bit of retailing. Kudos, B&N!
****Someday I’ll tell you about the night that required me to rent a Rug-Doctor the following morning.
Update / CD’s You Should Most Definitely Buy Now Or In The Near Future
Currently my “job” is somewhat theoretical. Technically I’m a substitute teacher, however, in the three weeks since I left my last job I have received one call which happened to come on a day which I already had blocked off to attend a funeral.* One might imagine that given such circumstance and large amounts of free time I would have spent a little more time here. I know, I know, you’ve felt so deprived. Oh well, here I am now at least. I’ll even give you a double dose today (so check back later).
Somehow, despite my recent lack of income**, I still find the cash to invest in the expansion of my cd collection (incidentally, any record company execs / recording artists wishing to send me boatloads of free shit, I would gladly accept and post a lovely glowing review right here.***). At any rate, here are a few cds that I’ve bought in the last few months/am planning to buy that you should give a serious listen, if you haven’t already:
Ray LaMontagne, Till The Sun Turns Black: second album, absolutely beautiful, most apt comparison is probably to a modern day Van Morrison. A little more of the bluesy-soul vibe on this disk.
KT Tunstall, Eye to the Telescope: not really “new”, but I can’t get enough of this cd. I’ve become more and more open to female artists in the last few years. This is easily the best I’ve heard.
John Butler Trio, Sunrise Over Sea: again, by no means new, but has received so little pub. JBT has quickly risen into my current top five. This album is amazing, start to finish. Australian hippy does songs, some about eco-issues, with a really unique folky-funk vibe. Great guitar player as well.
John Mayer, Continuum: hey, this one’s actually new! I think this may be the first legitimately “great” album I’ve heard this year. Finally fulfilling/refining his potential. To label him with the whole “singer-songwriter” thing neglects his instrumental chops.
OK Go, Oh No: fun little album. Have you seen the treadmill video? Did you see them do it live on the MTV awards? Watch VH1 for half an hour and you’ll see it, or go find it on the web. Coolest thing I’ve seen in a video…ever…
G. Love, Lemonade: This has quickly become my favorite G. Love album. If you like him, Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, Jason Mraz-or really, music-you need to hear this album. Best summer album by far, and summer’s over tomorrow. Act now!
Iron & Wine, Woman King: more of an E.P., but still… If you happened to hear their cover of Postal Service’s song “Such Great Heights” in the movie Garden State**** you know what this band is about. If you didn’t, well you’ll just have to take my word for it.
Robert Randolph, Colorblind (upcoming): I love Robert Randolph and the Family Band. I hate to keep referring to people’s guitar playing abilities but his pedal steel is like the spirit incarnate. I’m very much looking forward to this long overdue sophomore album.
Damien Rice, 9 (upcoming): I streamed the first single today and it’s pretty righteous. You know the opening song from the movie Closer? The one that is so heartachingly beautiful that it’s the perfect counterpoint to 120 minutes of people being absolutely wretched to each other? That’s Damien Rice. If you’ve ever been sad about anything, you’ll love his music.
I could go on, but those are just a few of the more recent / notable albums I’ve bought / been listening to lately. Now go support some real artists and buy these albums.
* No worries, very extended family member, cancer, blah blah. Sad, but not tragic or anything.
**How do I always manage this? I don’t think I’ve had 12 consecutive months of steady work in my life.
***Unless, of course, it blows.
****Yes, yes, or the M&M commercial.
JM Endorses: Chuck Klosterman
While it may be considered disingenious to so blatantly reveal my literary inspirations*, I would be remiss in not throwing a tip of the cap to Chuck Klosterman.
I first encountered Klosterman's work as a monthly contributor to Esquiremagazine. His uber-witty essays on pop culture, modern post-modern philosophy**, and the world in general. I found his writing to be wry, insightful and intelligent. Basically, he appeared to be thinking about and writing about the very things which I tried to claim that I thought about, or aspired to think about****.
At about the same time I was first being exposed to his writing, I was wandering through B&N looking for books that seemed mildly interesting when I ran across a book entitled Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs*****. I didn't immediately make the connection between the author and the Esquire columnist. More due to the fact that I wasn't paying attention than the fact that I couldn't put two and two together that these were both authored by the same Chuck Klosterman. Today I started reading this book for the fourth time or so. It's brilliant. Period. Klosterman gives a unique view of pretty universal subjects that are perfectly aimed at our generation (like how I assumed we're all of the same generation? Seriously though who else reads these things. Incidentally, what is this generation? I kind of lump all of XYZ together, late Gen Xers, Gen Y-my actual designated generation, and early Gen Z. The only ones with cool names are the Baby Boomers and Gen X. Although I don't really think that something properly descriptive like, The Douchebags or The Obnoxiously Ironic really have a good ring to them.).
I think I got somewhat sidetracked in there. The basic point of this train-wreck is that you should get this book and read it. It will make you a better person.
*By "inspirations" I clearly mean "people whose style I rip off", including the footnote gimmick, although I've been a footnote fan for a long time.
**A term I have just coined.*** Modern post-modern is not only self-aware, but takes an ironic or self-mocking angle on this self-awareness. Use it with your friends, it'll totally catch on.
***Are you allowed to footnote a footnote? At any rate, I'm also in the process of popularizing the terms "Big Gulp" and "Slurpee" as oral sex euphemisms.
****As opposed to my more common topics of deep thought: what do I want for lunch today or who do I drop from my fantasy team when Todd Helton comes off the DL.
*****Now I see why numbers are a more common footnote format, I really can't stretch it to six stars next time can I?****** What I came down here to mention thought, was that I completely judge books by their cover/title. When I'm perusing the bookshelves, how else do I know what's good? A clever or provocative title goes a long way with me.
******Apparently I can.
JM Endorses: Food Network
Two posts in one category in one day. It’s a crazy world out there, friends. Incidentally, in the bizarro world of wordpress, it’s apparently already tomorrow. What the crap time zone are they based in? Where was I? Ah yes, the Food Network.
Now I get about four hundred channels through the wonderful people at Directv. I use these to watch ESPN, the music channels, network tv, Comedy Central and, of course, Food Network. (Least watched channels: Oxygen, the Lifetime Suite [if you weren't aware, there are no less than three Lifetime channels now] and Court TV).
Food Network is one of my favorites. I love Emeril (not like that, perv). I love Alton Brown (also, not like that). I love Giada DeLaurentis (very much like that, she’s one of the hottest things going!). It’s quality programming all around, even if they do provide continuing employment to Mark “How Did I Not Make The List) Summers and Al “Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Did Have My Stomach Stapled” Roker.
At any rate, what prompted tonight’s outpouring of appreciation in particular was as follows… I was preparing another nutritious and delicious meal (ironically enough, not a recipe from the Food Network) which called for fresh avocado. Now I’m a big fan of the avocado. However, my primary experience is in the form of guacamole…prepared by someone else. I’ve never actually been confronted with a raw avocado live and in person. If you’ve never tried it, the avocado can be a tricky beast to prepare. It involves a knife, pitting and spooning. However, after watching countless demonstrations on good old channel 231, I confidentally sliced around the pit, twisted off one half, smacked the pit with my knife, pulled it out and proceeded to spoon the delicious avocado meat out of the skin in one neat piece. Obviously, I was quite proud of myself. But I never could have done it without my good friends at the Food Network, thanks guys!
JM Endorses: Hendrick’s Gin
Let me begin by noting that this category (JM Endorses) is a complete, unabashed ripoff of the GQ Endorses page from GQ Magazine (that probably goes without saying*). It’s just a spot for me to pitch some product, idea, sexual position (solo is, well maybe not my favorite, but certainly my most common…fine, only), etc. that I dig and think y’all should check out. That being said…on to today’s product placement.
Hendrick’s Gin is my single favorite liquid. I know what a lot of you are saying: “Gin is gross.” “Gin smells/tastes like Pine Sol.” “Gin causes minor level brain damage.” “Gin is for old men.” Granted, some of those may be true, but hey, have you ever actually tried Pine Sol? That’s what I thought. Anyway, a strong G+T is my personal preference when imbibing, although Andy’s favorite, dirty martini** on the rocks (philistine) extra olives, is a good one as well. Either way, I’m always trying new gins.
With your traditional gins, there is a certain amount of pineyness to them (a result of a primary ingredient being juniper berries). Some are smoother than others. The “standard” gin, Tanqueray, I actually find to be one of my least favorites (try Bombay Sapphire instead). Hendrick’s, however, has its own completely unique taste. Where other gins have that distinctive juniper taste and a muted crispness to them, Hendrick’s is smooth and remarkably refreshing. The primary culprit behind the flavor explosion? Cucumber. It sounded bizarre as I read the little tag that accompanied the cool, apothecary style bottle, but it’s awesome. I’ve had gins infused with pear, citrus or other flavors, but the cucumber taste is one of a kind. A Hendrick’s and tonic is, for my money, the best warm weather drink out there. Check it out, you’ll dig it, even if you don’t drink gin.
To try and offset some of the commercialesque quality, here are my caveats regarding Hendrick’s. 1) It’s hard to find. I promise it’s not at your bar, or Jewel, or your local liquor store (unless you have a cool liquor store, of course). You need to find a large liquor store that makes a point of stocking variety and specialty drinks. I go to either Lundeen’s or Woodman’s. B) It’s expensive. No alcohol is cheap (Dark Eyes, Fleischmann’s and anything in a plastic bottle excluded), and it’s not like some goofy $50 bottle of tequila or whatnot, but it’s definitely top shelf priced. Be that as it may, it’s certainly worth the extra effort and cash.
*Have you noticed how whenever someone says that something “goes without saying” it never does? This may be the single most purposeless piece of rhetoric in the American English vernacular.
**Few things annoy me more than ordering a martini and being served a vodka martini. I’m sorry, do I look like a sissy bitch? Perhaps it’s better you don’t answer that.
