Quick Hits Vol. 3
- So I lied last time…sue me.
- Wisconsin trip 2006: lots of fun, no concussions, way too much personal sharing of information. That’s a success in my book.
- I’d rather the Bears lost in the NFC playoffs than the Super Bowl. (If they have to lose).
- New Year’s Eve blows. But at least I wasn’t dealing with airports this year.
- I’ve always maintained that last year’s Rose Bowl was the best football game I’ve ever seen. I still believe that, but last night’s Fiesta Bowl was pretty remarkable. It was like I was watching a movie, you couldn’t script this series of events better: Boise State gives up the game tying touchdown and two point conversion with two minutes left in the game; Boise State throws an interception returned for a touchdown and the lead for Oklahoma; Boise State comes out and marches to midfield (passing by the way); a fourth and 18 hook and freaking ladder that goes to tie the game; Oklahoma scores easily in OT; Boise State runs a running back direct snap, toss to the tight end on fourth down; Boise State goes for the win with a two point conversion; Boise State runs the most beautifully designed and executed Statue of Liberty to win the game; during his post-game interview, Ian Johnson actually proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend; Boise State’s head coach credits the back-up quarterbacks with calling the game tying hook and ladder. That is everything that is right with sport.
Reason #6,731 Why The Yankees Suck
***Note: Today’s news is that Torre is sticking around for another year. Of course, that could change again by this afternoon. Either way, I agree with the tone of this piece, whether they boot him today, tomorrow or when his contract runs out in a year.***
Let me preface this by noting that I am a huge Red Sox fan. That being said, not being raised as a Sox fan, I still hold a lot of respect for certain aspects of the Yankees organization. Most notably: their history, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera and Joe Torre.
The big news this morning was that Joe Torre was being fired in favor of Lou Piniella. I have lots of problems with this.*
Let’s start with the lesser problem first. Granted the Yankees lost in the first round of the playoffs this year. Granted they have a payroll that exceeds the GNP of Africa (as a whole). However, they did spend the vast majority of the season minus two of their best five hitters** (Sheffield and Matsui). Yes, they were back for the playoffs, but really, how much can you expect from guys that missed 85% of the regular season with wrist injuries?*** Despite this, the Yankees were still the first team to clinch a post-season berth****. People love to give Jeter the credit for that when discussing the AL MVP, but seriously how about a little credit for the guy who fills out the lineup card every day and is, you know, in charge of the freaking team. Let’s face it, when those guys went down, a lot of people (myself included) were gleefuly envisioning the Yankees finishing not only out of the race, but a distant third(ish) in their division. Instead they went out and smoked everyone with the likes of Melky Cabrera and Bernie Williams patrolling the outfield on a regular basis.
Here’s the bigger issue I have: Joe Torre is the best manager in baseball and has been for about ten years now. The only other guy I put in the conversation is Bobby Cox.***** No one else has been nearly as successful for nearly as long a stretch. Lots of managers have had great years (Ozzie Guillen last year, as much as I hate to admit it; Joe Girardi this year with the Marlins; etc.). Joe Torre has had the Yankees in World Series contention for as long as I can remember. And don’t try talking to me about talented players / payroll. People tried that with Phil Jackson, too. Talent alone doesn’t win games (just ask Knicks fans).
At any rate, I think it’s a shame for Torre to go out like this. He deserved to leave that team on his own terms.
On the other hand, seeing the manager responsible for giving up on the Devil Rays and perennially underachieving with the Mariners in pinstripes is kind of exciting.
*However, having Piniella out of the discussion of who’s replacing Dusty Baker I love. That definitely wouldn’t have been a good choice. Joe Girardi and Joe Torre are now my choices 1a and 1b for the Cubs.
**This list includes, in no particular order, Jeter, Sheffield, Matsui, Rodriguez and the new and HGH-improved Giambi.
***Correct answer: not much. Although moving Sheff to first may be a revelation along the lines of Nomar’s shift in LA. He’s naturally a good defensive player, but starting to slow down. Plus that means we only have to watch Giambi bat. This could extend the life of the current Yankees lineup for another three years (sorry Andy Phillips). Again, as a Red Sox fan, I don’t know how exciting that is. But it’s clearly good for the Yankees.
****That may very well be a complete lie. I do know it was either them or the Mets.
*****Fuck Tony LaRussa. LaRussa is the most overrated manager of all time. I could write an entire post on that one.
Late Breaking MLB News: Clemens to be allowed triple digit “666″ uniform number
Granted, the fact that I'm a Red Sox fan is partly to blame for my bitterness towards Roger Clemens. The fact that his move to the National league put him in position to throw against the Cubs fairly regularly didn't help. But let's take a moment to examine just a few of the ways in which Roger Clemens sucks.
- He sold out fans / teams in not only Boston, but also Toronto and New York. Let's not forget, before his first stint with the Astros, he got the hero's fairwell retirement tour and treatment from the Yankees. Only to go play in Houston when they threw a new Hummer (Grrrr) and an ass load of cash at him.
- While being undoubtedly one of the best pitchers of this or any generation, let's not forget his feud with Mike Piazza (seriously, that pussy?), which included him throwing a piece of Piazza's broken bat at him as he ran the bases. As though Piazza had diabolically schemed for his bat to snap in half and fly in Clemen's general direction. Fun to think about, but physically improbable. This also included Clemens throwing at everyone on the Mets but the bat boys. What a douche.
- His return to the Astros included clauses granting him a private jet and dispensation to not travel with the team when he wasn't scheduled to pitch. Somehow he gets credit as being a "team leader" and "clubhouse presence". Right. When he's actually there.
- Upon his second unretirement, he couldn't just go back to the Astros. He had to turn it into a huge bidding war between four different teams. Nice. Clearly he's coming back for the love of the game and Houston's organization. Clearly.
- His new contract: $22,000,022* for one year, prorated for missed time equalling out to $14 Mil for about four months of baseball. He figures to be with the Major League club by the end of June. Figuring about five starts a month, that puts him in line for roughly sixteen starts. That works out to nearly $900,000 per start. Figure he averages six innings a game, that's $150,000 an inning. Figure fifteen pitches an inning on average for a good pitcher we're talking $10,000 per pitch. In real world terms, let's say an inning lasts, again on average, seven and a half minutes. That means Clemens is in line to make $1.2 Million dollars an hour.
- Despite those depressing dollar figures, we're supposed to believe the thing that makes it so special is the fact that his son is part of the organization. Never mind the fact that he's in the minors, so they'll be together for maybe a few weeks while Clemens gets back into shape. Yup, those three more days he'll spend with his son sure will be special.
Bottom line: what an asshole.
*His uniform number is 22. Putting the extra 22 dollars in the contract is so ridiculous it makes me want to puke. Did the Astros dot the i's in the contract with little hearts too?
Bill Walton Is A F-ing Idiot
"There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster." ~Dr. Evil*
So as I was watching tonight's encouragingly close Bulls-Heat game**, I was subjected to 48 straight minutes (game time, we're talking over 90 minutes real time) of Bill Walton's commentating. Granted, there are a lot of bad color guys out there, but Walton is easily and beyond any shadow of the doubt, the worst (since Magic got out the biz, at least). Here's just a few of the atrocities I witnessed tonight:
1) Discussing Scott Skiles, "He realized that he had to wake up and smell the roses." Thanks for the double whammy cliche and mixed metaphor.
2) Throughout the first 8 minutes of the third quarter, Walton noted every time the Heat took possession that Shaq hadn't been "fed the ball down low in the half court offense", not only pushing the bounds of repetition for effect, but completely unaware of the fact that this was patently untrue!! Shaq had gotten the ball at least twice, once taking a shot and shooting free throws upon which Walton commented! What were the side effects of long term marijuana use? I can't remember…
3) In the fourth, Walton started getting on the Bulls. Never mind the fact that the seventh seed was down only two points and playing their asses off. Props to Steve "Snapper" Jones for noting this.
4) Walton then accused the Bulls of suffering from "shrinkage". At this point Snapper jumped in to ask exactly what kind of shrinkage Walton would be referring to.***
5) It was noted that Alonzo Mourning can't take anti-inflammatory medication for his calf injury (presumably due to his kidney disease). Walton's response? "With that book Game of Shadows and the whole Barry Bonds thing, it's clear that Alonzo, or any athlete wants to stay away from that kind of stuff." Either we had a steroid alert that I totally missed or Walton is worried someone will test positive for Aleve.
6) I laughed out loud for a good minute on this one. Dwyane (yes, that's the proper spelling) Wade left the game with a cramp. Let's kick it over to Walt for his take. "The lack of V-8 being drank in this league is absolutely appalling." Snapper, who's completely given up on the whole "unwritten rules" garbage: "So out of all the people in all the professional sports, you're the one who's figured that out [or you're completely full of crap you damn dirty hippy]?"****
Is there even anything else left for me to say?
*Quoting Austin Powers isn't really my style, but it was just too appropriate here.
**Quick note on this game: early in the second quarter, Udonis Haslem objected to a non-call by referee Joe Crawford and to register his disapproval threw his mouthgard at the ref. Of course he was immediately doubled t-ed and booted from the game (most likely a fine and possible suspension are imminent). How dumb do you have to be to throw your mouthgard, or anything for that matter?? Especially at a guy who's officiated more playoff basketball games than anyone in NBA history. Smoove, Udonis. Very smoove indeed.
***There's an unwritten broadcasting rule that no matter how inane, untrue or ridiculous the comment a guy makes, the rest of the teams ignores it or clarifies it subtly. At this point in the game, after making a valiant effort to work with Walton, Jones was clearly starting to lose it.
**** Now may be a good time to note that I do not own TIVO so all of these quotes are paraphrased.
‘Roid Rage
There’s a lot of things about the whole steroid scandal in baseball that bother me. For one it cheapens the joy that was the summer of 1998. I loved watching Sammy and McGwire chase the HR record together. It was especially entertaining given that I loved Sosa and hated McGwire; it laid everything out in a nice good guy/bad guy format. Sure the villian prevailed in the end, but I’ll never forget that Sammy held the record over portions of that season. After that year, Big Mac started trailing off, Sammy had a couple more dominant seasons and then took a fastball of the dome piece, accidentally (I’ll believe the BP bat mixup until the day I die) used a cork bat in a game, left Chicago in disgrace and now seems to be retired.
In the meantime, Barry Bonds suddenly became the greatest hitter of all time. Granted, Bonds was a great player previously, even won a couple of mvp awards, but following that summer of ‘98 his stats are just freakish (not to mention his sudden bodily transformation, any coincidence that Bruce Banner has the same initials? I think not). I’m not talking like, “oh look, Barry’s hitting more HRs this year”. I’m talking inhumanly absurd, averaging a HR every 8 ABs is ridiculous. If he wasn’t setting IBB records at the same time, it’s completely reasonable to believe Bonds would have hit 80 or 90 HR at some point in the last six years. Then we had Juiced and the congressional hearings.
Watching the congressional steroid hearings was strange. There was McGwire practically in tears as he pled the fifth (making him legally immune, but essentially admitting his guilt); there was Sammy speaking english as poorly as he had since he got off the boat; there was Palmeiro wagging his finger while lying through his teeth; there was Canseco coming off as the most straight-forward person involved; finally, there was the conspicious absence of Barry Bonds. They left me feeling stupid for wanting to believe Sosa, vindicated for vilifying McGwire, eventually sick for supporting Palmeiro and ultimately confused.
At this point, McGwire, Sosa and Palmeiro are out of the game. This is really probably for the best. Despite whatever transgressions they may have made in the past, at this point they all seem content to fade into oblivion. I think everyone assumes the worse, but nothing’s been proven definitively.
Bonds, on the other hand, has BALCO, false grand jury testimony and this new book Game of Shadows (a compelling excerpt of which recently appeared in SI). With loads of documentation, research and witness testimony, this book lays out in painful detail Bonds’s abuse of every performance enhancer this side of Viagra (Raffy’s still the winner here). The poster boy of the steroids era has his entire “secret” brought into the light. Another blow for truth and justice against the culture of the cheater right? Well, maybe. But probably not.
This is what bothers me the most about the entire steroids issue and Bonds in particular. In all probability, NOTHING WILL COME OF THIS. Due to baseball’s pathetic drug policies previous to last years restrictions, Bonds will probably skate on a technicality. Bud “The Spineless Wonder” Selig still hasn’t committed to an official investigation into the book’s allegations. If he does, reportedly the only things that would result in Bonds’s suspension are federal indictments for tax evasion or perjury. Way to protect the sanctity of the game there, Bud. In other news, Pete Rose still banned.
Even worse, to my eyes, Bonds is still out there swinging away. His comment on the book? Something to the effect of “No Comment”. He refuses to address it. Instead he seems intent on putting on a song and dance show for the documentary crew following him around this year. As if one year of “creepily goofy” Barry (see the Paula Abdul getup) will somehow erase everyone’s memory of years and years of “sullen asshole” Barry. It’s like the slimy guy in the office that all of the sudden tries to be your best friend when he realizes you know that he got a hummer from the boss’s wife at the last office party. Meanwhile, he continues his assault on baseball’s “most sacred record”, chasing immortals Babe Ruth and Hank Aaron. Now Babe may have abused some substances, but I guarantee you that hot dogs, booze and ho-juice didn’t help him hit homers.
If Bonds had any – any – respect for the game of baseball, he’d retire. Now. No questions asked, no statements necessary. I don’t even want an apology. I just want him to go away. If Bonds breaks these records, he won’t be recognized as the greatest power hitter of all time. Instead he’ll be vilified for his transgressions, probably the most despised character in the history of sports. If he quits now, at #3, I think he has a chance to ultimately be remembered as a great hitter, caught up in his own competitiveness and the culture of an era. Sure he’ll be remembered as a jerk too, but people still talk about Ty Cobb as a great ballplayer.
O.J. was found innocent too, but you don’t see him out much anymore do you? So, Barry, follow his lead and please, do us all (and yourself) a favor and disappear.
