My Mind on Shuffle

So much to comment on, so little of it deserving its own post…

• Nice of winter to finally make it to Chicago, huh?  I can’t remember when the last time we had that many days with below zero temperature.  Of course, I also can’t be bothered to watch the news or look it up to find out.  Oh well.  Either way, I’m ready for spring.
• Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday.  In related news the Cubs placed pitchers Kerry Wood and Mark Prior on the 60 day DL.  Pitching coach, Larry Rothschild noted that they appeared to be “right on schedule to get in their usual workload,” consisting of three in late May or early June before their arms exploded.*
• Tim Hardaway is a douche.  Oh, and apparently he hates gay people, which isn’t going to help his standing any.
• I commented on MTV’s show Engaged & Underage over in Andy’s world recently.  After watching a few more episodes, I’ve decided that this show is evil.  Although it’s nice to see MTV promoting relationships among young people that don’t involve vapid competitions**, I’m not sure they should be encouraging teenagers to run out and get married either.  Youth of America, take my word for it, “underage” engagements (which is not nearly as perverse as it sounds, as far as I can tell, all of the couples are of legal age) are a bad idea***, so I can’t imagine the marriages being much better.  I know you can’t wait to run off and get married so that you can have sex, be given away by your brother instead of your still-living-but-not-involved dad (gee, I wonder why she’s getting married so young, can you say daddy issues?****), move into a trailer on your parents’ property once you “run out of money” or slash your food budget by “living off sandwiches”***** but can’t it at least wait until you’re old enough to not be a flaming moron?  Just something to think about.
• Someone needs to end the Blu-ray / HDDVD debate pretty quick, cause my dvd player is getting kind of sad and I refuse to wind up with the BETA of dvds.  I don’t even care who wins, let’s just get it done.

*God, please don’t let any of that happen.

**See Next, Room Raiders, Parental Control and a host of other dating shows where contestants are put through various humiliating and shallow ordeals to win cash and prizes including: a date with the show’s featured single, cash money, a life time of ridicule or even the clap!

***That’s a story for another day, but trust me, I’ll get around to it.

****I knew you could!

*****These events were all taken from the shows.  My favorite was the sandwiches.  Groom-to-be couldn’t understand how they would spend eighty bucks a week on food.  “My mom just buys me like a pound of turkey and I eat sandwiches all week.  I’m good with that.”

This series seems to be quite popular given the number of search related hits I've gotten.  Feel free to leave your thoughts, visitors.  As always, here's my "don't sue my sorry ass" disclaimer: all of the portions in italics are directly reproduced from Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Klosterman, Chuck, published by Scribner, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020, 2003.  Buy it.

7. Defying all expectation, a group of Scottish marine biologists capture a live Loch Ness Monster.  In an almost unbelievable coincidence, a bear hunter in the Pacific Northwest shoots a Sasquatch in the thigh, thereby allowing zoologists to take the furry monster into captivity.  These events happen on the same afternoon.  That evening, the president announces he may have thyroid cancer and will undergo a biopsy later that week.  You are the front-page editor of The New York Times: What do you play as the biggest story?

I think in this situation you have to lead with our underwater ally Nessy and the 'Squatch.  I mean, c'mon, I might have cancer.  That's kind of loopholey on my part, I know.  If the story is that the biopsy results are back and the prez does have cancer, that makes things a little more complicated.  But it's not, so I'll take the easy argument.  Also, I think it'd be awesome for the world's most pretentious paper to look like The Post for a day.

8.  You meet the perfect person.  Romantically, this person is ideal: You find them physically attractive, intellectually stimulating, consistently funny, and deeply compassionate.  However, they have one quirk: This individual is obsessed with Jim Henson's gothic puppet fantasy The Dark Crystal.  Beyond watching it on DVD at least once a month, he/she peppers casual conversation with Dark Crystal references, uses Dark Crystal analogies to explain everyday events, and occasionally likes to talk intensely about the film's "deeper philosophy".   Would this be enough to stop you from marrying this individual?

Granted, we all have our quirks.  But this is just so freaking weird.  I mean, if you told me that this person listed The Dark Crystal as their favorite movie I'd have my reservations.  To take it to this level is just too much.  I don't think I could handle it.  On the other hand, at least she's not obsessed with Labyrinth.

9. A novel titled Interior Mirror is released to mammoth commercial success (despite middling reviews).  However, a curious social trend emerges: Though no on can prove a direct scientific link, it appears that almost 30 percent of the people who read this book immediately become homosexual.  Many of these newfound homosexuals credit the book for helping them reach this conclusion about their orientation, despite the fact that Interior Mirror is ostensibly a crime novel with no homoerotic content (and was written by a straight man).  Would this phenomenon increase (or decrease) the likelihood of you reading this book?

Faintly homophobic disclaimer: to each their own, but let me reiterate that I love women*.  That being said, I would most likely read this book.  One factor here is the same thing that made me sit through that David Blaine special.  If something becomes culturally significant, I feel an obligation to witness it, if only so I can let everyone know how lame it is.  I'd also argue that if this book "turns" you gay, chances are that you were probably just subconsciously closeted to begin with, so it's good that it revealed your true inner self (another unintended possible result of the dream VCR?).

*For whatever reason, there's been an inordinate amount of confusion about this in the past.  I maintain it's just cause I dress well.

I’ve always had plenty of opinions / ideas / ridiculous thoughts and recently have had a lot more free time to ponder them.  This little weblogging activity ought to allow me to both vent the splenetic pressure that builds up in my brain occasionally and kill some time.  To be perfectly honest, I’ve been partially inspired by the weblog of my onetime roommate Andy (see link to the side, soon I’ll learn how to embed links, I promise).  Check it out, it’s good stuff.  Especially our current collaboration outlining a list of people/places/things that we find to be…well…objectionable.  Click over and see for yourself, trust me.  Additionally, stop back here from time to time and get my latest thoughts on music, sports, life and more (what’s considered “and more” outside of life, you ask?  I guess you’ll just have to stop back to find out).